Hitting Means You Care Enough to Fight with Me…. Right?

21 Feb

 

 So what kind of emotions do these pictures invoke?

Is anyone looking at these and thinking…..

Gosh how cute, I bet they really like each other….

No, if you’re a normal person it brings feelings of fear and outrage.

Now, I tend to use the word “normal” loosely.  I think there is a wide range where normal can fall under,

beating people to exert control and torturing animals both do not fall under the “normal” range.  There are reasons that people have to take psychological tests in order to get certain jobs.

Psychopaths are not conducive to a safe and healthy work environment.

Guess what?  Same goes for relationships.

Wait, you don’t know a psychopath?  Are you sure???

According to ScientificAmerican.com (http://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=what-psychopath-means)  a psychopath has specific personality traits: Superficially charming, psychopaths tend to make a good first impression on others and often strike observers as remarkably normal. Yet they are self-centered, dishonest and undependable, and at times they engage in irresponsible behavior for no apparent reason other than the sheer fun of it. Largely devoid of guilt, empathy and love, they have casual and callous interpersonal and romantic relationships. Psychopaths routinely offer excuses for their reckless and often outrageous actions, placing blame on others instead. They rarely learn from their mistakes or benefit from negative feedback, and they have difficulty inhibiting their impulses.”

Now do you think you may know someone who falls under this definition?

How about a list of common characteristics? (http://www.crisiscounseling.com/articles/psychopath.htm)

“In reality, a person with a psychopathic personality can lead what appears to be an ordinary life. They can have jobs, get married and they can break the law like anyone else. But their jobs and marriages usually don’t last and their life is usually on the verge of personal chaos.

A psychopath is usually a subtle manipulator. They do this by playing to the emotions of others.”

Shouldn’t we be warning  young girls, who grow into young women, that the above is not what should be tolerated in a relationship, much less desired?

I am NOT labeling anyone a psychopath, I am just trying to point out that people need to be more discerning about people’s behavior.  There is a reason the saying “Actions speak louder than words” is flitting about, because paying lip service and saying they respect you is one thing, to actually do this every day is much much harder work. 

I wanted to have this conversation with Lela, here’s how it went.

Lela:

Ladies, Ladies WTF is wrong with you?

Monday morning after that Grammys I thought I would wake myself up with my usual routine, check FB on my phone, get outta bed, go potty, brush my teeth etc. etc.

Well this Monday an article on FB caught my eye and woke me right up.

This article:

http://www.buzzfeed.com/mjs538/horrible-reactions-to-chris-brown-at-the-grammys

cuppateaalmostgotshagged:</p><br /><br /><br />
<p>aweepingangel:</p><br /><br /><br />
<p>what the fuck</p><br /><br /><br />
<p>

cuppateaalmostgotshagged:

aweepingangel:

what the fuck

As I went through one by one and read each idiotic comment, my heart sank at first.

How can these women be so STUPID?  Chris Brown can beat me any day?  REALLY?  Getting your ass beat by a man is nothing to wish for.  When you say stupid shit like this you are slapping the face of the thousands women who have to suffer through this bullshit, not to mention the ones who have LOST THEIR LIVES.  Did you know:

  • Every 9 seconds in the US a woman is assaulted or beaten.
  • Everyday in the US, more than three women are murdered by their husbands or boyfriends.
  • Domestic violence is the leading cause of injury to women—more than car accidents, muggings, and rapes combined.
  • Men who as children witnessed their parents’ domestic violence were twice as likely to abuse their own wives than sons of nonviolent parents.

Why am I so offended by this you might ask?  Why do I care?  I care because I lived through this.  I care because I am a woman, and I care because I am the mother of a young daughter.

It’s not what was said that is so upsetting.  What upsets me is that it is/was taken SO LIGHTLY.   To me most people have completely forgotten what he did to Rhianna, and I’ve even seen some disgusting posts were people were telling Chris Brown to be careful because Rhianna was trying to talk him.  REALLY?  REALLY?  Here are some samples from those very comments, taken without permission so I’m not using names…

–       Now I do not like getting into people’s lives and let them learn life on their own, but Chris Brown , ” Don’t Do It!!!” Stay away from Rihanna bro, she is the flame to your dynamite. RUN!!! RUN!!! and get your mind out the gutter about the Dynamite. Haha!!

–       Come on Chris Brown…think with the head on your shoulders…not the well you know…. 🙂

–       I hear you…. STAY AWAY CHRIS, she is BAD NEWS!!!!

Can someone please, PLEASE break it down for me how she is the one that is bad news?  Is it because she will press that button that will make him go off?  I dunno I

(I had to put it down.  It was making me to angry and it wasnt making sense.  I suck at this blog stuff.)

Mickey:

You can stop there is you want, I can pick up from here

You don’t suck

This is exactly what we need to throw out there

Lela:

You know what, good idea.  Pick up from here.

Mickey:

Well this goes back to what this smart lady was saying:

http://viewsfromthecouch.com/2012/02/12/you-didnt-thank-me-for-punching-you-in-the-fac/

(If the link above doesn’t work, google “you didn’t thank me for punching you in the face” from viewsfromthecouch.com)

If girls are raised to believe from a young age that a guy is hitting you because he likes you… at what age do you think it stops??  Is this going back to girls who believe that any attention is at least attention?  So if the guy ignores them, this equals bad but if he hits them… then.. yea! he LOVES me… what kind of sense does this make?

Look, I can tell you from watching it happen, it doesn’t start out all loves and kisses and then punches.  It seems to start out with small comments like, “Well, I know you want to go out with your friends, but why don’t we spend a night together instead?”  …. you know, 35 weekends in a row until you never see your friends.  “Well…. maybe you could lose just a little weight,”  until you feel like you are not attractive enough for someone else to want.  It seems to start out with small things… just a comment, then maybe into a few comments… maybe about your clothings… maybe about who is calling all the time…. eventually you don’t feel smart enough or pretty enough and maybe, just maybe this is the best you can do?  The physical side of it always seems to come later when how dare you raise your voice?  you’re out of line, irrational, over reacting….

But in the end, it is nothing to joke about. 

It is certainly not anyway to raise your daughters and whether they are seven years old or twenty seven or even fifty seven,  these boys and men are bullies plain and simple and no one deserves to be treated this way.  Especially when there is a world of decent men out there!

Women, women, women, remember, you would not buy a broken ipod, you would not spend the money on broken shoes… why do you want a broken boyfriend????  It is not your job to “fix” them.  And they certainly can’t be changed this way.

Also, who cares if the victim forgives them?  That’s not the point.  We as a society shouldn’t say… well the girl who got beat forgave him…so who are we to get mad? People, sometimes, I feel are quick to forgive the wrongs done to themselves.. but now imagine this happening to someone you love, maybe your mother, your sister, your daughter.

Now for the girls that think that Chris Brown is hot shit because he won a Grammy.  BFD.  This doesn’t make him better than any other person, it just means he can sing and has a good producer.  He says he’s changed, PROVE IT, and stop whining.  It’s how people in real life how to deal with things when they’ve screwed up and people have lost trust in them.  You have to earn trust back, you don’t get it back automatically just because you said you were sorry.  There is no time limit on how long people will not trust you and the longer you throw temper tantrums about how unfair it all is, the longer people hold it against you.

And people should take the time to read the police report of exactly what he did.  This wasn’t one punch.  Go ahead, the link is below, horrifying stuff.

http://i.cdn.turner.com/cnn/2009/images/03/05/brown.warrant.pdf

And guess what?  Even Robert Pattinson agrees:

“Girls often say that Edward’s ‘sooo perfect,’ but he’s not. I do not like people who try to exert control in a relationship, when there is an imbalance. This is very wrong and very strange.”

File:Cycle of Abuse.png

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4 Responses to “Hitting Means You Care Enough to Fight with Me…. Right?”

  1. lelajazz February 24, 2012 at 8:40 am #

    You know, I think people also forget that when a victim forgives, its not for the benefit of the abuser, its so the abused CAN MOVE ON.

    Yes, it is good to forgive, and everyone is deserving of forgiveness. What we are doing is forgiving and forgetting and acting like nothing ever happened. Too many of these abusers are not held accountable for their actions. What more could Chris Brown have done? He should still be in therapy and anger management. He should be forced to donate a percentage of his money to oraganizations that help victims of domestic abuse. More importantly, he should have gone to jail. Chris Brown watched his mother go through this abuse, so its not surprising he picked up this habit himself. These things are imprinted on children, and it takes more than a few therapy sessions to erase. Due to the level of the injuries Rhinna had, I can only guess that this was not the first time. This behaviour starts with some form of verbal abuse, then it escaltes.

    There is little worse than living in fear of the person who is supposed to love you, lift you up and protect you. Words cannot express the anxiety levels of never knowing which version of your partner is walking through that door. Or never quite knowing just what will set him off, and how long will it last this time? How far will it go?

    In my case, I can say there were warning signs in the begining of the relationship that something was not quite kosher, which I ignored. And a lot of women will. We use excuses like oh he loves me so much, or he’s so passionate about things. Or my favorite, I can change that. Ladies, the only man you can change is one in diapers.

    Mickey is right, it will start with why dont’ you just stay home and we can do stuff together? Couple time is fine, but time apart is healthy too. By the 38th weekend in a row you have been isolated from all the people you love. In my case I packed up and moved to another state, and ended up away from everyone I knew and loved. My friends were his friends, and my family was far, far a way. Everything was in his name. When I wised up and began to think about leaving, I came to the realization that I was totally and utterly alone, and had no resources. Luckily, and thank you God, I have a hell of a family who always had my back. Many, many women aren’t as lucky as me. And that is what makes this all so upsetting.

    • Mickey February 25, 2012 at 8:55 pm #

      I try to tell the young girls I talk to ” If you feel uncomfortable for ANY reason, do not ignore it. You might not be able to pinpoint why you feel that way but it’s called instinct for a reason. Never ignore it.
      What you typed up there made me think of that. I think, A lot of females think if they can not give a reason, it must not be important, or they must be imagining it. I know I have in the past and only ended up in situations that ended in regret and anxiety. After that, I did not ignore my gut feelings ever again. If I couldn’t get comfortable with a person or situation then I got away as soon as I could.
      You bring up a fantastic point about forgiveness, one I never really thought about. But I can completely see how forgiveness would need to be something that the victim would need to do to ensure it no longer has a hold on them. I don’t think anyone if forgetting though. I think it’s two things:
      1) people who bring it up and he believes people should stop bringing it up because he “paid his dues”. We go back to, there is no time limit on how long it takes to earn back trust. Saying you are sorry does not mean someone has to forgive you, and if they do, they certainly don’t have to do it on your imaginary time frame. Forgiveness is not instantaneous. *cough-michael vick-cough*
      2) people who give him a free pass because he is famous. This goes back to the wierdness of celebrity worship and how we hold them in such high regard, even circumventing the law for them. There is a very sobering “Boondocks” episode called “The trial of Robert Kelly” in which certain fans get worked up charging R Kelly. They don’t know him and can’t vouch for him, but no one wants him to go jail… Because it may hold up the next album?
      Your family was awesome, as always. Knowing you were not “overreacting”, not expecting it to be your responsibility to “keep the family together”, and definitely not caring that it was a ONE TIME THING. One time is defintely one time too many. And you were willing to make it work, you just insisted he go to counseling which he refused. So working things out obviously meant more to you than him. Then again though, a lot of people like being in a relationship if they don’t have to work at it. But any relationship is work because there isn’t just one person involved!
      You know I am sorry you ever had to go through any of that, but you came out of it a stronger person, with more understanding and grace.

  2. toonerdygirls March 1, 2012 at 11:24 am #

    http://www.doctornerdlove.com/2012/02/nerds-male-privilege-3-cross-assault-sexual-harrassment/2/
    ok this post needs to go under here. This comment on how women feel in today’s society in spot on:

    To be sure, we live in a post Third-Wave Feminist world, where women are supposed to be empowered and able to stand up for themselves and fight their own battles. Women are supposed to be assertive and powerful and unafraid to speak their minds! So by all rights, if she isn’t telling them all to go fuck themselves, then clearly she’s cool with it, right?

    Not so much.

    In our culture, women grow up socialized that they’re not supposed to make a fuss. They’re not supposed to be assertive. They’re encouraged – even in this day and age – to swallow their feelings and “go along to get along”. The pressure to not say anything and “just go with it” increases exponentially when you have precious few allies to back you up. A lot of times, embarrassment and even outright humiliation get covered up with laughter and increasingly brittle smiles.

    “If you fight back, it only gets worse,” they’re taught. “If you just pretend to go along with it, they don’t bug you as much.”

    Unfortunately, a lot of people take this behavior as tacit approval of their shenanigans. “See?” they say, “She doesn’t mind it at all!” Meanwhile, the harassment continues and nothing gets better. And in depressing truth: they’re not always wrong about this. Trying to take a stand on the matter often results in even greater harassment in retaliation. In a perverse way, her fighting back can be an enticement; now not only does the harasser get the thrill of wielding his power over her – and it is a form of power – but now he feels obligated to put her in her place for daring to stand up to him.

    To make matters worse, women can often expect to be blamed twice for their harassment; once for “inciting” it and once for protesting it.

  3. toonerdygirls July 3, 2012 at 8:43 am #

    It can be so easy to get public service announcements wrong—to veer into the cheesy, trite, or overly terrifying. But this new PSA from a group called Refuge, which helps victims of domestic violence, is kind of genius.

    http://jezebel.com/5923043/youtube-makeup-star-lauren-luke-covers-up-her-bruises-in-powerful-anti+domestic-abuse-psa

    click the link for a powerful video on covering up bruises left by your loved ones

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