Going on Vacation with a Vagina

21 Jun

Lela and I were both on vacation last week.

She went on a cruise ship, while I ran away to the shore to sell seashells to Sally or however that atrocious tongue twister from my childhood went.

While I was packing… a three day affair for ONE FREAKING SUITCASE, I kept putting things in and taking them back out.

Do I need this sundress?  Where would I wear it?  If I bring it, I have to bring shorts in case there is a breeze or pervert upskirting. 

How many shorts do I need? 

Does this shirt look ok with these shorts?

Do these shorts need different underwear so I don’t get PL?

Which bra fits and doesn’t give me under boob sweat in the heat? 

We’re going out, which shoes are comfy without looking like orthopedic footwear?

Although I got nothing on Cher

Seriously, this is probably why I spent my highschool years living in boys sweatshirts and old school running shoes.  Most males I know just need a couple shirts in similar sizes which normally  fit fairly well over cargo shorts or board shorts, pair it with either flip flops or sneakers and possibly a hat and a belt and they’re normally good to go.  Everything seems like it’s cut pretty similar on the guys stuff.  I feel like with my clothes, I had to try it all on in every possible combination before packing it away and I still underpacked.

This all sounds ridiculous, I know.  I’m not even high maintenance!! Lela can vouch for that.  It’s probably why it was such an issue for me.  I initially wanted to pack nothing but worn jeans and shorts with t-shirt, but I think I was told I needed to bring fancier stuff.  And although I’m a girl who owns silks, leathers, pencil skirts and rocking heels, I only wear them in appropriate settings.  Like work, graduation, weddings and the occasional  fancy party.

polished at work

Unfortunately, the rest of the time, I’d love to live in soft denim, baggy cotton tees. oversized sweaters and long socks.  I like reliable shoes and washable fabrics and not fixing my hair.

comfy the rest of the time

Anyway, on top of the regular clothing.  The bathing suit.. ugh the bathing suit.  Most women LOATHE swimsuit shopping.  I am certainly not the exception.  I am short at the shoulders and long in the torso with wide shoulders and hips… nothing seems to fit right.  This year I finally had forked out the money for a “good” bathing suit.  For me that meant something that gave my boobs support and covered my ass.  Although I must have bought it months ago, the tags were still on it when I went searchng for it.  Then comes the trying on again.  But here’s the best part about being a girl.  The jump test.

goldenmovieman:</p><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><p>Patrick Bateman jumping rope gif<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />

Ok, it’s not always a jump test.  We bounce, stretch, sit, bend over and essentially just make sure that nothing is falling out where it shouldn’t (unless that is the intent).  And we’re not just talking about the girls, but from the back side too.  Or back fat, front butt, camel toe, thunder thighs… I dunno.  Choose a your misery and shove it in a sausage casing because it’s kind of like that, except I didn’t want to be that girl that LOOKED like I had shoved myself in a sausage casing with little adipose babies oozing over the edges like a Jabba the Hutt double.  Hence, the jump test.

From: mickey

Sent: Wednesday, June 20, 2012 7:51 PM

To: Lela

How about having to be hairless from under both arms, from ankle to ankle and that stupid area between the thigh and groin.

From: Lela Sent: Wednesday, June 20, 2012 8:01 PM To: mickey

What about unplanned periods.

Sometimes people aren’t staring at you because you look cute. Sometimes you get a really bad period mid flight and have no idea.

Sometimes you have a giant stain in the back of your pants and you don’t realize it until half of puerto Rico has seen you.

image

image

I wore jeans! What you’re supposed to wear on vacation. Next time black pants.

On Jun 20, 2012, at 8:18 PM, mickey <   wrote:

black jeans??

From: Lela Sent: Wednesday, June 20, 2012 8:23 PM To: mickey

They still make those?

On Jun 20, 2012, at 8:25 PM, mickey <   wrote:

Aren’t the 90’s back?

And remember:

ALWAYS WEAR YOUR SUNSCREEN!!!

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3 Responses to “Going on Vacation with a Vagina”

  1. lelajazz June 22, 2012 at 6:20 am #

    OMG bathing suit shopping. There are worse things on earth but really I am not sure what they are.

    I ABHOR bathing suit shopping. I would much prefer getting shot in the face. And why aren’t there any decent swimming shorts ala hotpants but a little longer for women any more? Why is at all right up to your ass? Some of our trouble areas are a little further down and I don’t necessarily want to wear the granny skirt. And by decent I mean affordable. Let’s call a spade a spade.

    I have crappy thighs. Even though I have seen much bigger and I don’t have that much cellulite, the skin around the inner thigh is all gross and hangy. I am not sure what I can ever do about it if anything *sigh*. Anyway, hiding it in a bathing suit is nearly impossible unless I wear some kind of short with it.

    In short while I love the summer, I love the water, I love the sun, I hate buying a bathing suit.

    In other news we forgot to bring up the one line of hair we missed shaving. That’s always fun. Men have it so much easier. NO FAIR.

    • mickey June 25, 2012 at 5:15 pm #

      So, payback is a bitch. To me, not you.
      This may be the most embarressing thing I’ve ever posted on here but I wanted to tell you about it. So posting it on the internet seems the logical thing to do!
      I’m on my period now, my third day. My second day is always the heaviest, like ridiculously heavy. I wanted to be prepared though because it still seemed heavier than normal. I left the house with a tampon, a Always heavy maxi pad, period shorts over my underwear (the small tight shorts I wear to make sure nothing starts moving or sliding around) and obviously, blank pants.
      I wasn’t there for two hours and stood up andfelt ickiness. Unfortunately, someone came up to the desk and I had to sit down. This took longer than usual because IT was working on the printer literally two feet to my right. So when I was done, I stood up and go to push my chair in… I am absolutely mortified that there are two small dark red stains on my navy blue chair!!
      I go to the bathroom and find I’ve leaked through, the tampon, the pad, through my underwear, shorts and pants!! ugh ugh ugh!
      After I spend like half an hour cleaning up that mess, I have to go back to my desk and figure out a way to discreetly clean the stupid chair in front of at least six people. I accidently spilled coffe on the chair and then could use any and all industrial cleaners in order to treat the stain. 😛
      Then I moved it into a dark corner where no one sits to let it dry and took a new chair.
      !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
      And let me tell you something, I usually use offbrand pads but today I used that stupid Always pad and it didn’t hold on to anything!!!! NEVER AGAIN!

      • lelajazz July 3, 2012 at 6:19 am #

        OMFG!!! I just read that!!! I’M SO SORRY!!! See, this why ALL office chairs should be black!!! Because of crap like that!!! I have had that happen to me. That is horrible. What’s worse/funny is where your friends are there helping you get rid of said chair when no one is looking after spending so much time trying to make the stain go away… BEING A WOMAN SUCKS.

        I have another friend, who was in a meeting with the director of HR when something happened to her. She was sitting in a grey chair. She got up, and she looked and left a big effing stain on the chair in his office. She was crying in the bathroom. Someone snuck back in the office and switched out the chairs. He never said anything, so we don’t know if he saw it or not. I am sure he did. POOR THING.

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