Sent: Wednesday, August 1, 2012 9:41 AM
You do love the bad boys
Sent: Wednesday, August 01, 2012 9:52 AM
I don’t always love the bad boys… just Loki…crap I know. I saw a pin though that said “Girls want a bad guy thats good just for them.” Think that’s what it is deep down? OR I have daddy issues. My daddy is though, so perfect no one can compare so I go for the opposite?
Sent: Wednesday, August 1, 2012 9:56 AM
Your dad is great. But really… You always liked bad boys ….why? Are you trying to fix them?
Sent: Wednesday, August 01, 2012 10:39 AM
I don’t know. I think so ? I think that’s what it was maybe? I don’t know. I went out with the nice guys too. I dated one in highschool when he was a nerd. He didnt turn into a wannabe until after. Does that count?
Sent: Wednesday, August 1, 2012 10:57 AM
No, because those are never the ones you want to stay with.
Sent: Wednesday, August 01, 2012 11:03 AM
Yeah but that was before. This is now. Now I want a good nerdy catholic.
Sent: Wednesday, August 1, 2012 11:23 AM
Well what changed?
Sent: Wednesday, August 01, 2012 11:27 AM
Domestic violence tends to change people’s perspective on things. That and the other guys I dated, while not purposely going for the bad guys, were assholes. Nice guys in disguise
Sent: Wednesday, August 01, 2012 11:30 AM
To: ‘Lela ‘
I’m sure it does, but I meant more, what was the turning point where you started to look at the characteristics of the men you were attracted to?
Were they really nice guys in disguise? I feel like they were nice to you in the beginning but people are nice when they have something you want.
Sent: Wednesday, August 01, 2012 2:36 PM
Subject: Confessions of an Ex-Homewrecker
The turnin point was ME taking a look into ME, to be totally honest. Lots of times, the signs of assholes were there, loud, plain and simple. And I WAS THE STUPID ONE, and I would ignore the signs, or flat out lie to myself to make things okay. Be ready, ugly confessions ahead.
New Year’s morning of 2010 I received a text message from another woman, calling me a c*nt, who gave women a bad name. And you know what? She was right. She had every right to call me that. I got caught up dating a guy and buying into his lies. Yet again. Did I know he had a girlfriend? Yup, I knew. I was given the whole things aren’t really working out, she treats me like shit, doesn’t appreciate me, calls me things, goes out doing crazy stuff, we aren’t together blah blah blah. AND I BOUGHT IT. I gave myself every excuse, in my fucked up head, I was like wow, poor guy, trying so hard to please some crazy jealous broad. At first I was the shoulder to cry on, then one thing led to another and I was caught up. Want to know something even more awesome? This girl was moody and having issues because SHE HAD CERVICAL CANCER and was going through treatments. REALLY. I AM an asshole. I of course apologized profusely, and told her I deserved everything she threw at me.
I went outside, lit a cigarette, and did some soul searching. I started thinking to myself, self, why does this seem to happen to you? Can we talk patterns here? You have not had a good boyfriend since the first Bush was president. Why is that? Why is it that the last few guys you dated, all had girlfriends whose status was being kept from you. Was it all coincidence? Are these the only guys you are going to attract? Is this all that’s out there? Does every single man cheat on his woman? No. This is probably because they know you are fat, they know you have low self-esteem, and will buy into whatever they say and give them what they want. This was a hard truth to swallow.
I will say I think a part of it is pure selfishness and low self-esteem. I was so DESPERATE for intimate moments, a shot of any kind of relationship, that I took what I could get when I got it. Sounds perfectly healthy right? I mean, it seemed to work out for me in high school, one of my favorite ex-boyfriends came out of a “take ’em however you can get ’em ordeal”. Not so much in the real world. Also, what kind of example am I setting ? Don’t ask questions, date and do whatever you want with whoever you want, what’s the worst that can happen?
How about a nice healthy dose of humiliation for one? That did the trick for me. Or realizing maybe you aren’t as nice as you like to think you are. “Talkin out your neck saying you’re a Christian” Lauren Hill. But you are damn sure not walking walk. Here you really liked this guy for a while, and you took him however you could get him, ignoring everything you need to have paid attention to. The more I think about this the angrier I get with myself. I deserved every ounce of the 65 pounds of depression weight I put on.
This guy was really sweet, we talked a lot at work, and we were friends OR SO I THOUGHT. I guess I thought because we were friends, I was different? I don’t know. But in the end, it was just like the beginning. Still alone. He gave me the usual I don’t understand how you don’t have a man. (If I had a quarter every time I heard that I could pay off my house). You’re so beautiful, so nice, so funny, and so sweet. BLAH BLAH BLAH.
Anyhoo, I got off track there a little. Every guy I have dated here was either seeing someone else or had a crazy “I’m not with her” live in girlfriend. It’s all fun and games till a pregnant girl interrupts your date at the movies… Boy do I have stories. I digress.
But what did these guys have in common? Aside from big beautiful brown eyes, nice bodies and killer smiles? They were all technically unavailable, Playboys who told a lot of lies that did not add up.
Lots of last minute plans, none of them ever really wanted to plan anything in advance, and the couple times I did, I was stood up. So really, the problem lies with me, and I am not sure how I can even fix it. Sooooo.
So now I am not dating at all. YAY! And what I mean by that is, I am not actively looking for shit. I am taking care of me. I have so much going for me and if some poor Star Wars loving fool wants to be a part of it, he will have to get in where he fits in. I’m done.
Sent: Wednesday, August 1, 2012 2:46 PM
GAH!!! How did I not know any of this?? Wow, that sounds hard! But I think there’s plenty of hope, I mean, realizing you have a problem is the first step right??
Sent: Wednesday, August 01, 2012 2:57 PM
I only gave bits and pieces, was a little ashamed of everything so I didn’t talk about it too much. I’ve done a lot of inner healing these last couple of years, so now I can talk about it a little more.
The initial plan was to take the start of 2010 to the grave… lol
Wel,l all I can say if I am proud of you for doing so many scary and hard things. Owning up to your mistakes, choosing to look inward to make a change and to admit it. All of those things take strength and bravery.
Relationships and intimacy are hard issues to deal with and, yes, people do get so desperate that they do all kinds of things that they wouldn’t normally do in order to have the kind of connection they crave. The difference is, some people will eventually realize they are unhappy with the decisions they are making and take a look to see what they can change, while others will continue to make the same mistakes over and over again and then lament their lifestyle with no regards to responsibility or their own actions.
“Love is the voice under all silences, the hope which has no opposite in fear; the strength so strong mere force is feebleness: the truth more first than sun, more last than star…”
|E. E. Cummings quotes (American poet 1894–1962)|