It’s Gon’ Rain! Who Can I Offend Today?

30 Aug

From: Leela
Sent: Monday, August 27, 2012 3:16 PM
To: Mickey

At home awaiting hurricane… Wrote random thoughts on my iPad.

Unspoken rules of life: #17 Skinny people are not allowed to complain to fat friends about weight gain. No one cares about your 3 pounds you evil, heartless bitch. You are allowed to complain once you pass the 42 pound threshold. 37 in cases where you are well liked.

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Unspoken rule of life #2. Public displays of affection are disgusting and only slightly tolerated if both parties are hot. Hot by society’s standards, not your own. If you or your partner are hideous you will need to keep that shit at home. No quick pecks in public. Don’t even hold hands…

 

Unspoken rules of life #3. If a man cheats on his woman with you, you are not the only one he is cheating with. If he tells you you are, just remember what he says to his wife when he comes to see you.

 

UnspokenRule #4. There would be no stereotypes if people didn’t live up to them. White people have better credit, black people talk during movies , Asians can’t drive and good looking Spanish men don’t know how to not cheat…

Unspoken Rule #5. Using the bathroom stall directly next to someone is only okay if all the other stalls are full. This also goes for jumping on the treadmill right next to someone when 8 more are unoccupied.

Unspoken rule of life #6 – Do not stop at yellow lights. You just robbed the car behind you of the right to run the red one. Be considerate of others, keep going.

Unspoken rule#7 – We all get a little nervous when Muslims board our plane. It may be racist, but any person who says otherwise is

For the record: ladies it is never okay to tattoo a penis anywhere on your body… FYI.

On Aug 28, 2012, at 8:50 AM, Mickey wrote:

Wait… wait… I am denouncing your rule #2 and will make out with whomever I see fit at any time I see fit

Based on this rule and with the rampant amount of low self esteem in this country, no one will ever touch each other ever again unless it’s Kanye West and Kim Kardashian… which no… I’m sorry

Looks aren’t everything, crazy should be involved in that too

From: Leela
Sent: Tuesday, August 28, 2012 9:10 AM
To: Mickey

I stand by two. People should not full on make out in front of others. That’s common courtesy. The good looking stuff is more of the impossible standard. Since no one looks like KK then kindly refrain from tongue wrestling outside the Olive Garden.

On Aug 28, 2012, at 10:04 AM, Mickey wrote:

You’re not saying make out

You’re saying PDA

If I want to hug and lovingly punch someone I’m with (NO JUDGING) then I should be able to regardless of how I look

Now playing tonsil hockey in front of an audience for free is gross

ALWAYS

I don’t care what Jerry Maguire is trying to show everyone

From: Leela
Sent: Tuesday, August 28, 2012 10:14 AM
To: Mickey

Oh yeah I meant PDA as in gross PDA. Hugs and light kisses are okay with me lol. That was inspired by my brother and his gf who were full on makin out at a family restaurant. My gagging noises did not phase them.

On Aug 28, 2012, at 10:20 AM, Mickey wrote:

Awww, it’s even worse that it’s in front of family members.

Ok, minus a thousand points for that

Should have rounded up the little kids in the restaurant to pelt food at them

And then point and sing that stupid kissing in the tree song

From: Leela
Sent: Tuesday, August 28, 2012 10:24 AM
To: Mickey

Lol I just noticed I put no quick pecks in public. I must’ve been mad.

On Aug 28, 2012, at 10:27 AM, Mickey wrote:

Must have been

I will whole heartedly agree with you though when my friends who are a size 2-4 want to bitch about their weight

I am NOT sympathetic

EVER

Just stop

From: Leela
Sent: Tuesday, August 28, 2012 10:39 AM
To: Mickey

Yeah that works my nerves too. BIG TIME.

Why can’t you just say you’re bloated and life sucks, rather than freak out over 3 pounds. I can freak out about 3 pound weight gain cuz the other 7 can show up over night…

And really me and chins are in agreement that we don’t give a shit.

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