For Deedee’s 30th birthday

25 Sep

 In honor of your upcoming 30th, here are 30 apologies you always wanted to hear from me.

I’m sorry I was mean to you sometimes growing up. And yesterday.



I’m sorry I am jealous of your weight. You work hard for it, not everyone has what it takes to go to the bathroom 17 times a day.

I’m sorry that I am so much better looking than you.


I’m really really sorry that you’re so much skinnier than me.

I’m sorry I punched you in the face once for saying hi to me in the morning. But really, NO ONE is THAT happy at 4:45 am EST.

I’m sorry that I told mommy and daddy spying on them was your idea.

And I’m sorry that you don’t remember the a$$ whoopin after. I remember. It was great.

I’m sorry I choked you for taking my Menudo tape and calling me Miss Piggy. That one was hard to write as I still feel pretty justified in my actions.

I’m sorry that you have man hands. In some cultures really large hands on women is considered a rare mark of beauty.

I’m sorry we don’t live in one of those cultures.

I’m sorry that I say you’re from Juarez, and that we found you by the Rio Grande.

We found you IN the Rio Grande.

I’m sorry that I said we found Ricky there a year later. Your real family’s situation is none of my business.

I’m sorry that I’m mommy and daddy’s favorite.

I’m sorry that I just told you I’m mommy and daddy’s favorite.

I’m sorry I lied about that. We all know Ricky is the favorite.

I’m sorry that I didn’t want to hang out with you in high school.

I’m sorry that I don’t want to hang out with you now.

I’m sorry that I called your fiance Chip, Skip or Brad for a year.

I’m sorry for the pet tarantula I am going to buy and release into your bedroom one night. Or bathroom since you are there so often.


I’m sorry that my daughter told her entire school you were late because you were taking a shit.

I’m sorry that people think your Indian, Poonja.

I’m sorry that I like to embarrass you in front of strangers. By holding your hand or saying something like “I really hope your mother likes me.” or “Last night was amazing.”

I’m sorry that I stole your superman shirt and your red Nike shirt.

I’m sorry you’re never getting them back.

I’m sorry that its cold there in my shadow.

I’m sorry I used to sing the Freddy song to you at night.

I’m sorry that I sometimes call you Maria in public, so people think you are my nanny.

I’m sorry I sent you a picture of my boob. On purpose.

I’m sorry that I make fun of your Bert and Ernie eyebrows. A real sister would pluck em for you but I dunno where to start.

I’m sorry that I used to draw pictures of you and emphasize your scar, nose, birth mark and giant lips. I’m sorry that I’m drawing another picture and scanning it onto FB.

I’m sorry you don’t have an ass.

I’m really sorry that I don’t either.

I’m sorry that I tell people I am nice to you because the Make a Wish Foundation told me to.

But I am motsly sorry that I am not a kabillionaire who can buy you whatever you want for your birthday, because you deserve it! You are one of the greatest people I have ever met, and you deserve every happiness! I love you very much and I thank God you are my sister. Thanks for putting up with me for 30 glorious years!


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