Look, most people spend most of the their week with coworkers, even more than time than we spend with loved ones and family.
Just because you’re stuck there doesn’t mean you can’t have a little fun, right?
#1. First and foremost, don’t wear deodorant. We are not saying, don’t shower. We’re saying, don’t wear deodorant. You only want a person to smell this when they get really close. This person will most likely be too polite to say anything. Good! Use this. Be sure to act like you smell something off too, especially around others. This accomplishes two goals: one, the person becomes paranoid that it may be their own BO they smell and two, it throws suspicion on them from others. Once this happens a few times, go back to wearing deodorant, especially around others. (This works equally well with passing gas.)
#2 Be sure to use lots of pretentious words ALL THE TIME, in every day sentences. Remember, if they can’t understand you, they’re not worth your time. (Unless they’re really high in the company.) If someone understands and chuckles with you, this is your new buddy.
Good examples of awful sentences to use are:
“I shall park my Vespa betwixt those two madder vehicles at the far end of the yard.”
“I am pondering the juxtaposition of these two imported bottles of French champagne for maximum bouquet.”
“He is infamous for a plethora of high ideals and impeccable moral standing.”
#3. At every possible moment, throw your coworkers under the bus. (see rule #1)
“Who drank all the coffee and didn’t make a new pot?” “Maira, was the last one in there.”
“I didn’t know we were allowed to wear flip flops to work, isn’t that against Osha regulations?” (In front of HR staff or their boss would be best.)
“Of COURSE he asked you for that report last week! I was there! Golly, how do you not remember? I bet you feel pretty silly now!”
#4. If your bosses don’t know who the screw ups are, find a way to remind them! Some of the higher ups barely make it out of their office, so how do they know what’s going on the floor if they’re not told? Whether it’s making copies incorrectly or forgetting the boss’s birthday, people should be reminded of these types so when things go wrong they know where to look first.
“How come this report isn’t filed properly?” “Oh, that is all that one in the corner.” (nod towards the office of the offending party)
*Sigh* “I have to rewrite the addendum because those guys on third floor never get it right the first time.”
#5. In addition to all of the above, remember to give your best smile to let them know they shouldn’t take any of this in seriousness. If they’re offended and thin-skinned, maybe this isn’t the job for them? Maybe selling fruit on the street is more in their comfort zone. It’s important to point out how patient everyone is being, dealing with certain “weak links” in the work chain.
“They really are trying, but I don’t think insert name of task here is their strong suit.”
“Well you know, they have been here for sixteen years, I’m sure their training is just outdated by now.”
“They’re a little technically challenged.”
#6. Be that person who takes credit for everything. Make sure that whenever possible, in any conversation, bring up all of your accomplishments. No accomplishment is too small.
Anything from, “I noticed we needed more toilet paper in the bathroom so I took the liberty of changing it.” to “This department was all screwed up before I got here and made changes. I noticed things should go this way. I pointed it out to management, I, I, I…”
#7. Along with #5 and #6, remember backhanded compliments are always better in front of management. In this regard, all compliments about yourself should be delivered as follows:
“I have a hard time watching Zoey struggle with those tasks, as I’ve always received passing scores on my audits. “
“I certainly don’t mind helping Diego on the new system. I only know it so well because I made it a point to go to a training course just a few months ago.”
“Hey I need those pay roll change forms when you get a chance please, can’t have you being late like last week…”
#9. Tell your boss everything. Just don’t let anyone know it’s you. If there is anyone else in the office you can blame it on, do that instead. It doesn’t matter if its their father’s brother’s nephew’s cousin’s former roommate; if they know someone in the office in an outside capacity at all, it’s that person. And definitely spend your time making everyone else paranoid about that person.
“It’s funny how the boss knows about that drama in the mail room after running into Peter at that graduation party over the weekend.”
Sometimes, no words are necessary. Before speaking, just look around to make sure that person isn’t in the room before saying anything. People will pick up on this behavior and not suspect you at all.
#10. Lastly, remember that these people are not your friends. They are conveniently placed stepping-stones on the pathway to your success.
GOOD LUCK AND HAPPY HOSTILITIES!