Tag Archives: Futurama

just need a record

4 Mar

 

 

so I just need a record of what’s been going on.  

 

 

 

Starting with Valentine’s Day, I wanted to get into the spirit of the day by wearing red.  I went to look for some festive earrings and my jewelry box was passed down from my mother in law (who is now deceased).  I have owned the jewelry box for more than ten years at this point. As, I was picking out a pair of earrings, music began.  It has never played music in the entire time I have owned it.  it has a turn key at the bottom, but I can not remember the last time I even tried out the turn key.  It is tall, thin with glass doors and getting to the turn key while it is full of jewelry is not easy (like when directions are on the bottom of food trays)  So it played music for me.  When I went for my phone to record it, it stopped.  I found it strange but didn’t think anything more of it. I tried to shake it, move it to get it to play again but it wouldn’t.  I did not try the turn key for the reason stated above. 

 

while mine does not have a ballerina, and is actually tall and thin with glass doors (which makes a turnkey at the bottom severely impractical) it is no less creepy

 

 

Two days later, my significant other woke up with a pain in his side. They thought they were possibly sleeping on top of something in the bed but upon further inspection, there was a scratch.  A mark, a distinctive “X” on the upper stomach area on the right side.  Another scratch slightly next to it, possibly in the shape of a lower case “b”.  Strange, but just a scratch, even though it was deep enough to still be painful and red twelve hours later. 

 

we do not have a sloth. we do own two dogs, it would have been noticeable had they jumped on the bed to scratch 🙂

 

 

Two nights after this, I woke up about 3:30 AM.  I had placed a large LED flashlight on the floor, next to the bed following a blizzard and when I awoke it was on.  This is no wimpy flashlight, some pressure has to be placed on the bottom in order to turn it on and off. After this, I was up for an hour at least.  In the space of five days, this all seemed a bit much.  

 

 

for the record, I may have welcomed the Winchester brothers being attached to the flashlight. This one is a massive commercial use one though, so my flashlight is much larger than Dean’s.

 

 

 

We had been unloading a lot of old boxes that had been packed up but not sorted through and were finding lots and lots of beautiful old items.  We have lived here for over a year with no issues (other than the weird Furby incident last March).  So what was going on?

 

So I mention it to my significant other, they tell me about a time when they were in the backyard doing yard work without their glasses.  (who does that??)  And they kept thinking they saw someone watching them.  It turned out to be a shadow, but they consistently thought that they were being watched from the same position.  They tell me this right before bed time… Like I needed that. 

 

 

Then when day, we had people here and my S.O. was talking to me.  They laughed about a kid hiding in our room, playing Hide and Seek.  When they went to look, the kid ran past me the other way.  They came back, and insisted they saw the child run into our room wearing a white shirt but it was a navy shirt and they had never gone into our room.

 

maybe we were victims of a cloning experiment

 

 

We have no answers, yet.  I have noticed a few other things, but I am not sure if they are my own forgetfulness or not.  Such as the dryer being on, when I don’t remember turning it on.  Or boxes being put in the wrong place or items being moved or out of order, but I’m not sure if someone used them.  Sometimes there are strange sounds, mostly loud bangs, usually only one or two at a time, that are too loud to be the house settling, but unsure how to pinpoint where they are coming from.  Of course, when we stop and try to listen or locate, they stop.  

 

 

I just needed this to be here for a record.  I will update if necessary. 

 

 

 

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How To Alienate Coworkers

22 Oct

Treating coworkers like aliens.

 

Look, most people spend most of the their week with coworkers, even more than time than we spend with loved ones and family. 

Just because you’re stuck there doesn’t mean you can’t have a little fun, right?

 

  

 
#1.  First and foremost, don’t wear deodorant.   We are not saying, don’t shower.  We’re saying, don’t wear deodorant.  You only want a person to smell this when they get really close.  This person will most likely be too polite to say anything.  Good!   Use this.  Be sure to act like you smell something off too, especially around others.  This accomplishes two goals:  one, the person becomes paranoid that it may be their own BO they smell and two, it throws suspicion on them from others.  Once this happens a few times, go back to wearing deodorant, especially around others.    (This works equally well with passing gas.) 

 

 

 

#2   Be sure to use lots of pretentious words ALL THE TIME, in every day sentences. Remember, if they can’t understand you, they’re not worth your time.  (Unless they’re really high in the company.)  If someone understands and chuckles with you, this is your new buddy.

Good examples of awful sentences to use are:

 “I shall park my Vespa betwixt those two madder vehicles at the far end of the yard.”

“I am pondering the juxtaposition of these two imported bottles of French champagne for maximum bouquet.”

“He is infamous for a plethora of high ideals and impeccable moral standing.”

 

 

 #3.  At every possible moment, throw your coworkers under the bus. (see rule #1)

“Who drank all the coffee and didn’t make a new pot?”      “Maira, was the last one in there.”

 “I didn’t know we were allowed to wear flip flops to work, isn’t that against Osha regulations?”  (In front of HR staff or their boss would be best.)

“Of COURSE he asked you for that report last week!  I was there!  Golly, how do you not remember?  I bet you feel pretty silly now!”

  

 

#4. If your bosses don’t know who the screw ups are, find a way to remind them!  Some of the higher ups barely make it out of their office, so how do they know what’s going on the floor if they’re not told?   Whether it’s making copies incorrectly or forgetting  the boss’s birthday, people should be reminded of these types so when things go wrong they know where to look first.

 “How come this report isn’t filed properly?”      “Oh, that is all that one in the corner.” (nod towards the office of the offending party) 

*Sigh* “I have to rewrite the addendum because those guys on third floor never get it right the first time.” 

 

 

#5.  In addition to all of the above, remember to give your best smile to let them know they shouldn’t take any of this in seriousness.  If they’re offended and thin-skinned, maybe this isn’t the job for them?  Maybe selling fruit on the street is more in their comfort zone.  It’s important to point out how patient everyone is being, dealing with certain “weak links” in the work chain.

“They really are trying, but I don’t think  insert name of task here    is their strong suit.”

“Well you know, they have been here for sixteen years, I’m sure their training is just outdated by now.”

“They’re a little technically challenged.”

 

 

 #6.  Be that person who takes credit for everything.  Make sure that whenever possible, in any conversation, bring up all of your accomplishments.  No accomplishment is too small.
Anything from, “I noticed we needed more toilet paper in the bathroom so I took the liberty of changing it.” to “This department was all screwed up before I got here and made changes.  I noticed things should go this way.  I pointed it out to management, I, I, I…”

 

 

 

 #7.  Along with #5 and #6, remember backhanded compliments are always better in front of management.  In this regard, all compliments about yourself should be delivered as follows:

“I have a hard time watching Zoey struggle with those tasks, as I’ve always received passing scores on my audits. “

“I certainly don’t mind helping Diego on the new system.  I only know it so well because I made it a point to go to a training course just a few months ago.”

 

 

#8.  Utilize your email!  CC (don’t BC) a person’s superior when emailing them,  no matter what the email is.   If it’s something the boss is aware of, use phrases like “Per discussed last week” and “This is a follow-up to the earlier email”.  Let them know if someone is slacking on their duties!

“Hey I need those pay roll change forms when you get a chance please, can’t have you being late like last week…”

 

 

#9.  Tell your boss everything.  Just don’t let anyone know it’s you.  If there is anyone else in the office you can blame it on, do that instead.  It doesn’t matter if its their father’s brother’s nephew’s cousin’s former roommate; if they know someone in the office in an outside capacity at all, it’s that person.  And definitely spend your time making everyone else  paranoid about that person. 

“It’s funny how the boss knows about that drama in the mail room after running into Peter at that graduation party over the weekend.”

Sometimes, no words are necessary.  Before speaking, just look around to make sure that person isn’t in the room before saying anything.  People will pick up on this behavior and not suspect you at all.

 

image

 

#10.  Lastly, remember that these people are not your friends.  They are conveniently placed stepping-stones on the pathway to your success. 

 

GOOD LUCK AND HAPPY HOSTILITIES!

 

Star Trek 2

6 Jan

So right on the heels of this news:

Star Trek 2

“Two British television stars have reportedly been cast in the upcoming sequel. First up is Noel Clarke, best known as the Doctor’s former companion Mickey Smith on Doctor Who, who has been cast as “a family man with a wife and young daughter.” Clarke has confirmed his casting on his Twitter, though he didn’t comment specifically on what character he is playing. [Variety]

Next up is Sherlock star and owner of the most awesomely, ludicrously British name in history, Benedict Cumberbatch. He’s reportedly been cast in an undisclosed part, and that it’s reportedly a “lead role.”

I got very upset about the possibility of having to see Star Trek 2 in theatres based on the actors in the film.  I am a huge fan of Simon Pegg, Sherlock and Doctor Who and of Star Trek TOS, but I was not a huge fan of the last new Star Trek movie. ”

My rant went something like this:

Mickey:   Yea and Spock and Uhura… making out.  Plus planet exploding (Alderaan) um.. getting lost on ice planet (Hoth, although YAY for Leonard Nimoy!) the pacing was all Star Wars, not Star Ttrek.  I didn’t think it was an awful movie, just wished they’d kept the pacing of Star Trek, one thing about the originals is that it’s very cerebral.  A problem presents and normal methods don’t work, then it’s a lot of discussion about how to fix things.  Explained best by Philip J. Fry:

Fry: Usually on the show, they came up with a complicated plan, then explained it with a simple analogy.
Leela:  Hmmm… If we can re-route engine power through the primary weapons and configure them to Melllvar’s frequency, that should overload his electro-quantum structure.
Bender: Like putting too much air in a balloon!
Fry: Of course! It’s all so simple!

So I didn’t hate the movie, but I didn’t love it either.

Here was Lela’s take on it.

Lela:  I never watched the original remember? We had this convo.  But I would agree that the pacing of Star Trek was Star Wars-y.  I really enjoyed the movie though.  I think I watched it about 9 times… 

And because I loved Star Wars so much I was okay with it, the effects, the eye candy. 

Now, given the little I do know about Star Trek, I was not comfy with Spock getting down with the chick…  It logically, did not make sense.  I can see him maybe doing what she said because he loved her but didn’t understand the feeling, but yeah, didn’t like that part.  However the rest, okay by me. 

My dad is a huge Trekkie though and he loved the new movie.  I would imagine you feel the way about the new star trek as I feel about the new Clash of the Titans.

Blasphemous crap. 

Mickey:  Everyone felt that way about the new Clash of the Titans.

So yea… of course the admission that ST2 had a lot of Empire influence as well:

Producer Bryan Burk also discusses the sequel, suggesting the movie hits the ground running in a way the first one couldn’t:

“Unlike the last film, where we were restarting and setting up the characters … we’re going to jump right back in, and we don’t have to set up everybody and we can go right in it. We’re kind of in a mad dash at the beginning of the film. In all of our conversation, we reference a lot of our favorite films and how ‘Empire Strikes Back’ was spectacular and how they were able to pick up and keep going.” 

*sigh*

Anyway I’m going to throw out that everyone should be following George Takei  and Wil Wheaton on twitter as they are hilarious. 

And I will leave you with The Onion’s review of the Star Trek 1.  (And yes, I do know people IRL  that HATED the new Star Trek movie.)

http://www.theonion.com/video/trekkies-bash-new-star-trek-film-as-fun-watchable,14333/